Over the last couple of weeks, I have come across a number of posts and comments whining about how men are victims too and that there are no policies to protect them or people to listen to their complaints. I don’t know if there has been a sudden increase in this whining because of sleeplessness from watching the Euros or that I have just paid too much attention to social media. Either way, there’s been a lot of whining.
Oh, hey! Did you get this far? Did you feel that ‘whining’ is a hurtful and harsh word being used here to delegitimise your genuine concerns? Well, congratulations! You are now officially a victim of patriarchy. (Also, those of you who enjoyed that first paragraph vindictively, congratulations are in order for you too. You’re now part of the problem. Yippee!)
Now that satire’s out of the way, let’s understand what patriarchy is. The word originates from the Greek patriarkhēs which meant “chief or head of a family.” This comes from patria “family, clan” + arkhein “to rule.” Therefore, the patriarch is one who rules the family or clan. That’s fine, you might think. No gender is mentioned here. Not yet, no. However, the word patria (or family) is derived from pater meaning “father.” Hence, linguistically at least, the family is derived from the father. As a result, the patriarch – the head of the family – is undoubtedly the father, the man.
It is the derivation of the concept of the family from the father that is generally defined as patriarchy. To put it simply, the family derives meaning from the father. If there is no father, there is no family. Now, biologically, that is true. However, if biology is your only defence, I’ve got news for you my friend. Humans are the only creatures that have a lifelong bond with ‘family’ members. Other animals might live in family-like structures but, usually, these disintegrate into separate groups as the younglings grow up and the adults grow old.
The next argument, logically, is that most of these animals that live in packs and other family-like structures always have a male head. Not always; elephants, for example, are a matriarchy. They have an older, experienced female leading the herd. Orcas or killer whales have a similar system, as do bonobos.
However, the most well known example of family-like structures in animals is the wolf pack. It is the source of the concept of the alpha male and that of a group of ‘lads’ that always hang around together. It turns out that all of that was really just a mistake – a misjudged attempt of science to humanise nature. It was a result of research conducted on wolves kept in captivity and in most cases these wolves were unrelated to each other. In the wild (biology), this is impossible. As new research has shown, wild wolves have no such hierarchical system. Usually, it is just a family of wolves consisting of a breeding pair and their pups. The parents are in charge simply because they’re parents – and because if you are fighting your child over bits of food trying to be the alpha then you probably have issues I can’t help you with.
This pretty much knackers the argument of ‘biology’. It is evident that biology, when properly studied, does not agree with much of social conditioning and argument.
[Also, the whole idea of defending human behaviour through ‘biology’ and what is natural is fundamentally flawed. There are multiple scenarios in the animal kingdom that would be seen as abhorrent in human society. For example, male sea otters rape baby seals and often drown their own mates.
In some spider species, the female eats the male after sex. None of this is good.]
Additionally, it is important to distinguish between dominance and leadership. Leaders don’t need to force pack/herd members to follow them. For instance, elephants and orcas follow their matriarchs because they know the old migration routes and where the best food is not because the elephant or orca grandmothers beat the rest of the herd with a club. This is the same for wolves, bonobos and even hyenas. There is no dominance without leadership.
So, what’s the difference and why is it a problem?
In the wild, the leaders are those animals that are either strongest or have the most experience. It is not decided at birth. Unlike what you see in The Lion King no Simba gets automatically proclaimed successor to the throne as soon as he is able to walk. The battle with the Scars of the wild begins almost instantly and there are no kindly monkeys or warthogs to help you “Hakuna Matata” your way back to the top. Therefore, both dominance and leadership need to be earned over years of hard work. This is not the case in a patriarchal society.
In a patriarchal society, the privilege of leadership is always with the male irrespective of that male’s deserving characteristics. Therefore, even as older leaders of packs or herds get deposed by their younger (related) challengers, in human society, the oldest man even in his most physically weak state retains his powers. No younger relative can openly become dominant over him.
Therefore, the patriarchy is not just a way of restricting women to gendered roles but also a way of preventing men from doing anything that could remotely be considered ‘womanly’- or, indeed, anything that is in any way contrary to the older man’s wishes. I was recently having a conversation with a former tutor of mine. He has lost his father and uncle to Covid and has suddenly, and quite unwittingly, found himself at the head of the family. He was telling me how he was feeling lost and struggling with the immense responsibility that he has had thrust upon him. Indeed, he cannot find anyone to whom he can speak or express his feelings without immediately being told that it is his duty and that he must simply get over his depression and feeling of helplessness.
This is the case for many men. No matter what the situation they are expected to be strong and stoic. It is fine if women are crying and hysterical. Their ‘femininity’ gives them that right. The issue here is not that hysterics are natural for women and not for men. Indeed, the word hysteria itself was coined to downplay women’s mental health problems and their attempts to break free of patriarchy as a disease that could be treated with bed rest and fresh air. Many of us Indian men and boys can testify to having our passions, desires, loves and true joys beaten out of us by scowls, fiery eyes, scoldings and actual beatings. This is notwithstanding the continued passive aggression of the so-called ‘providers of the family’ even as we transitioned into their roles. (I forgot to mention the absolute blanket ban on crying.) Millions of deflated footballs, broken bats, dusty guitars and torn notebooks full of poetry litter the dead seabed that is the male Indian mind. Today, we find ourselves in a position where we can change all that and bring the sea back to life.
Therefore, if you find yourself getting angry that women are ‘becoming more like men’, that they are now everywhere (even in your smoking zones) and that some of them cheat on, dupe or harass their partners, take a deep breath and think to the number of men – real, heroic or mythical – that have done worse things to women but have got away with it simply because of their gender. Take a moment to think and understand that they are free to do so as long as they don’t do anything illegal. Indeed, men often find themselves unable to get out of toxic relationships or situations because they cannot comprehend the fact that a woman can be equally ‘macho’.
Do not see ‘femininity’ as the enemy – in men or in women. All social structures exist to control. Make no mistake about it. Even though you might feel that you are benefiting and in power, you are also trapped by it. If you’re not careful, you might find yourself surrounded by a baying crowd of those whom you have oppressed holding an inefficient gun trying to shoot a bewildered elephant.
(If you didn’t get that reference, see here.)
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