I’ve never been very good at painting or colouring in. I could never stay inside the lines – a trait that has leaked into everything else I have done since. But I still have all my old drawing books and most of my old colouring tools – paints, brushes, pastels, felt pens, the lot. I don’t do much of that anymore because I don’t feel like humiliating myself in my late twenties.
But I spent many a happy hour on the football pitch. Although the competition wasn’t always ‘healthy’ as they say, but there was no pressure of having to be the best no matter what. No one would tell me off for scoring one goal and not two like my ‘friend’ did. Whatever arguments we had were left behind on the pitch. There was no pressure to be better. You saw people around you do well and you worked hard to get there. No one forced you. No one threatened you. You improved naturally. You made friends and deep connections that will last a lifetime. It helped to relieve the pressure the tag of being a ‘good student’ puts on one.
But what is a good student? A student is someone whose job it is to learn, gain knowledge. Therefore, a good student should be someone who does this well. It should be that simple, right? It didn’t seem like it back then. People didn’t believe me when I told them that I only studied two to four hours a day depending on how much work I had – even on the eve of exams. There is this idea that the longer you study the more knowledge you retain. This has been debunked over and over again by various research projects. (Here’s one from the American Psychological Association) However, Indian parents always know better.
At this stage, I would like to point out that after the last post on “The Ritual Act of Studying” I was accused of being biased against parents because they are victims of the system as well. I find myself asking, isn’t that all the more reason that we should look to them to take a stand? This defiance need not be on a revolutionary scale. Simply telling a child that marks don’t really matter as long as they learn is radical enough. In the situation we currently find ourselves in, wouldn’t it have been easier if children did have a habit of reading, or of painting, or even playing an instrument? They would be able to keep themselves busy and not develop anxiety or drive parents up the walls. I will deal with the issue of parents vs. the system and by default the complexities surrounding parental aspirations in a later post. For now, let’s talk about ‘past times’.
It is not uncommon to hear people of previous generations, especially those holding the prestigious title of grandparents, saying that children nowadays are ruder, have no athletic ability and no desire to go outside. In all honesty, there is no argument against that. Yet, as is usual among complaints from older people, no one bothers to drill down into the reasons. (Such a statement could yet prove to be hypocritical 30 years down the line but, for now, let’s go with it.) In the same breath, many people of previous generations will immediately put the blame on the children. The child is accused of being vastly different from what they were like in their childhood.
First of all, that’s not a bad thing. Second, why do you think that is? Did you – especially people born in the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s – have the kind of pressure of achievement that children have now? In most cases, as with people like my father and uncles, you got one job and you stuck with it. You fought it out, achieved base level middle-class stature and left it at that. Now, children are constantly reminded of the amount of money that is being spent on their education – which, you must admit, has increased exponentially – and that is the reason why they must strive for excellence and get a swanky job paying ridiculous amounts of money. This is the case with every stratum of society except for the ‘upper classes’ – for the lack of a more polite word. That is the system.
This so-called ‘system’ that exists now isn’t something that has suddenly emerged out of the ether and imposed itself on society. It has been brewed by previous generations mostly with good intentions. They looked at their contemporary social conditions and came up with solutions to the problems that they could identify. Those social conditions have since dissipated and given way to different, some more complex, conditions now. These sometimes demand a more nuanced approach than an old-fashioned “humare zamane mein” hammer is capable of. A constant yearning for simpler times will do us no good. We have to adapt to the complexities of our present by unlearning prejudices and accepting privilege. However, we can always look back to draw inspiration such as the dying focus on simple pleasures – the idea that not everything has to be done for a reward.
Parents have often complained to me that their children don’t have any interests. They have also complained that when they do partake of certain pastimes they do not enjoy themselves, throw tantrums and, horror of horrors, not very good at them. First of all, interests like reading and playing sports aren’t in-built features that automatically unlock after a child reaches a certain age. These need to be inculcated in them from early on and then cultivated and encouraged. Not everything needs to be rewarded with marks or material gain.
Some things, like reading, learning an instrument and playing sports, can be done simply for the inherent joy they bring – and the immense mental health benefits. This needs to be taught. If children are constantly told that they are ‘good’ only if marks, prizes and certificates say so, they will never learn to do anything just to enjoy it – which includes building meaningful connections with fellow humans. There will always have to be a reward which makes true friendships and loving relationships impossible.
That is where pastimes are your superheroes on call. Simply drawing a landscape with a hut and a few hills, that’s all; it doesn’t have to be perfect. As long as it brings the child joy and gives their brain the rest they need to recover their interest in studying, it will do. Let them read books. They might just teach your child much more than any tutor ever could. If they ask questions, try your best to answer them. Introduce them to activities that will suit and enrich them. Not just dancing and singing because all your friends’ children are doing it.
There is a subtle difference between the words hobby and pastime that needs to be pointed out. A hobby requires more time and effort, like gardening, whereas a pastime is anything you do to pass the time enjoyably. (You can use that as a tool for irritation the next time someone calls gardening a pastime and watching cricket a hobby.) For children, we can conflate the two definitions. The basic idea is to do something other than studying such that the child feels rejuvenated, satisfied and accomplished. This can be anything – whatever it is that you have access to. In fact, you can get them to help around the house with cooking and cleaning and other chores. But don’t go overboard with it and get them to do all the work while you laze around – you know who you are. That’s just informal child labour.
My humble advice to any parent reading this is simple. Go back to your own old interests. If your life is comfortable enough that you don’t have to worry about your next meal, you have the time. Go back to your paintbrushes, your old guitar or your football – if you have no one else to play with, play with your children, they will thank you for it. Spend more time reading than watching meaningless ‘political debates’ on TV. Indeed, watch less TV – especially soap operas. I am obviously aiming this at people who have the privilege of being able to read this blog. After such simplification, if you still feel that you don’t have time, don’t have children then. Either make time or use contraceptives.
Out of the nearly two dozen school students (I’ve never believed in large groups in private tuitions) that I have tutored over the years, I can genuinely only recall one, or at most two, that had a strong interest on the side. For most of them, the schedule went something like this: breakfast, school, lunch, tuitions, homework, some TV, dinner, sleep. There didn’t seem to be any time for much else. This is clearly not the fault of the children especially because this was also the routine on weekends only school was replaced with more tuitions.
It is folly to believe that studies alone can bring success. Life is not lived in the pages of a textbook – and whenever it is, it is mostly between the lines. It is this in-between space that defies logic which can be filled with paints, words and instruments. Take this article, for example. It could have been much more streamlined and focussed – on point, as they say. However, more and more research – and, indeed, experience – has shown that it is easier to remember when one reads a story. As humans, we are natural storytellers, whether it is through words, song, dance or painting. More pertinently, like I said at the beginning, I really can’t stay inside the lines.
I would like to qualify all my opinions with the rider that they are based on my personal experiences. If you find yourself disagreeing, I can only envy you.
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