Hello! I have returned after a very long hiatus – a break in a sequence, for those illiterate in Latin – and I have a lot to talk about. First things first, Happy New Year! Although it does feel like the last two years have just continued as they were and it’s still around mid-July in 2020. As we go into another smoggy day in India in the midst of a pandemic that has simply refused to go away, it is time for a little heart to heart. Prepare for a drastic change in tone as I prepare to make my deepest feelings available in public for the first time in prose form. This is because I know I am not alone and, indeed, there are people who are having a much worse time than me. This is just to show everyone, especially those who struggle with the existence of an omnipotent deity, that they are not alone.
Despite the feeling of stagnation, a lot has changed in these periods of what I would like to refer to as high-functioning limbo. Global society has undergone an upheaval and millions of people have suffered immeasurable loss. The death of a loved one is one of the hardest things that one can ever experience. At the same time, it is the one fact of life that is irrefutable.
What more could we have done? Where had we failed? Could we have done things in a different way?
These are all questions that one might find bombarding their mind after someone you dearly love passes away from an illness that was impossible to defeat, whether it’s Covid or something else. No matter what the contingent circumstances were – old age, co-morbidities, lack of funds, impossibility of treatment – the process of acceptance and reconciliation with such a loss is excruciatingly painful.
I have suffered three such losses in the last year or so. The numbness and cynicism that the last two “years” have bred are only now beginning to fade which has given me the space to begin to process these losses. To be honest, these three losses were only the ones closest to home. There have been many others that I have suffered from varying distances. At the same time, there have been thousands of people who have suffered many more and much worse than me. This does not give me solace, nor am I thankful. For it is not a reason to be thankful.
I am an atheist; at the very least, an agnostic. I have no one to thank.
So how does an atheist deal with such a loss? First of all, one needs to accept that it is ridiculous to be thankful to any deity that they brought greater misfortune upon others. Doing so, believing that one’s devotion to the deity has resulted in this, is perhaps in itself counterproductive. One finds one’s self actively hoping bad things happen to other people. Despite being brought up in a fairly religious family, I was never taught to wish harm on others. However, the prayer was always along the lines of “Please protect us, oh Goddess”; and while the young me always saw this “us” as being his own family and those he loved, it never occurred to him what a selfish prayer it was. When it did, he stopped praying.
But being an atheist/agnostic, it does often feel like there is a gap in one’s existence. No amount of rationality can satiate the deep human desire for meaning where there is none. Why me? You, me and many millions of others have looked to the heavens and asked this question. There is no answer. It is a chaotic world we live in and the sheer law of numbers means that some of us will suffer all of the time and most of us will suffer some of the time. We are yet to find a path to Utopia where this chaos will be under control. So what do we do? Not believing in the existence of a divine being means we cannot pray for guidance. We cannot ask for strength. It must all come from our own minds.
Those who are atheist/agnostic, in such situations, it is okay to find yourself going against the tenets of rational thought. It is perfectly alright to look towards the sky and hope that there is a wonderful world beyond where your loved one will be happy forever. That’s just human nature. Do not beat yourself up about it. Keep reminding yourself that it is organised religion that you really have a problem with. Indeed, it is the enforcement of it that is at the heart of your atheism/agnosticism. We all have scientific minds until we have to come to terms with immeasurable, painful loss. Indeed, there is a scientific hypothesis behind the need for an all powerful deity. It is called agent detection. It is an evolutionary tool that helps to keep us alert in times of uncertainty. This is essentially the science behind what we like to call a search for meaning.
As I said earlier, we humans are obsessed with meanings and patterns. We like it when things fall into neat little spaces made specifically for them. Therefore, when things happen that we cannot explain we look to an omniscient being who knows or is executing a master plan. Atheism/Agnosticism is the acceptance of this ‘unexplainability’ of things. It is accepting an absence of knowledge or, indeed, forming worldviews based on the knowledge that is available with concrete evidence and not speculation – or faith. However, when it comes to dealing with loss, an explanation other than the medical makes it easier to bear. A belief that the loved one’s spirit will now be free to go wherever they wanted, or that they might come to visit us somehow, or that they have gone up to heaven to be happy forever. These explanations decrease our sorrow but they do not help us miss them any less.
Do whatever you feel is necessary to protect your own mental health. However, it can be very difficult after years of not believing. For me, I found strength in the people I still have, whom I love and who love me. Not being able to sincerely pray for the peace of a loved one is a terrible, terrible position to be in. But some of us do find ourselves in such an unenviable position. Indeed, many of us have over the course of this pandemic. Cynically moving on is an option that feels correct at the time, but take it from me, in the long run, it is very bad to not come to terms with your loss. These feelings of pain have a way of coming back to you in moments you least expect them to and fill you with a sense of unquenchable regret.
I am beginning to sound preachy and without a doubt this article is wildly different in tone in comparison to most other articles on this website. I am very rarely this vulnerable in public and I am genuinely worried about how this will be received (something I rarely care about). I feel I have probably failed to provide any solutions to the dilemma. I suppose this dilemma is the very basis of modern day human thought. I am among those atheists/agnostics who do not impose his beliefs on others nor personally ridicule those who choose to follow religious ways. I become uncomfortable (occasionally belligerent) only when I am being forced into something, when someone seems to be somehow obsessed and when any kind of prejudice or discrimination arises. I understand many people will consider me a coward for taking such a stance but that’s just the way it is. I do not like stepping on toes unnecessarily; hence, the tone of this article.
It has been a difficult time for all of us – barring some, of course. Many people have found religion. Many have lost it. My innocence was lost over a decade ago now. It sounds rather tragic, that. However, these two years have caused me to question my beliefs – which, as a rationalist, I expect to happen constantly. At the same time, I am certain I will retain them for the rest of my life. The people I have lost retained theirs. They were caring, loving people, one of whom I barely got to know, yet whose very recent passing has perhaps hit me the hardest. I do not know if there is an omniscient being looking over us. I do not know if there is any afterlife. I do not know for certain that there isn’t. If I’m being perfectly honest, I hope there is and I hope to see these people again. Does that disqualify me from being an atheist? Perhaps, it does. Perhaps, it does not.
If you have managed to reach this far, I hope you identified with some of the things written above. Just know that you are not alone and many, many others are going through similar experiences. Do your best and stay safe.
Also, you can expect more activity on this website soon. Thanks for reading.
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